Yo Breaf Stank!

There is a question on an IQ test that I use frequently that asks kids to describe why people need to brush their teeth. I love this question because 1) I can usually get a laugh out of the kid, and towards the end of an IQ test we both need one. 2) I know that there is a high probability that the kid is going to have a decent answer.

Unfortunately, I am beginning to wonder if my own kid will have a decent answer for this question when he gets older. Recent events make me believe that he will say one of 4 things:

• Because if you don’t do it on your own, your mom will hold you down and do it for you
  
• Because if you don’t, your mom and dad will incessantly talk about how much your breath stinks
  
• Because your mom will give you stickers if you do
  
• If you put up enough of a fuss and there is nowhere important to go to, you don’t need to brush your teeth.

We have struggled with the toothbrush since he began getting teeth to brush.

Out of concern for his developing little dents I asked a parenting coach that I know. “How do I get him to brush his teeth?” She suggested that I let it go for a while, he was still very small, and if he ate enough apples and carrots, that would be good enough, "it isn’t worth a fight." she said

I asked our pediatrician at his one year checkup and she said to only do it once a day, and make it a part of our ritual.

On my own I started giving him stickers as rewards when he brushed his teeth. I bought him an Elmo toothbrush and a Thomas one that plays that fucking song I can never get out of my head. Finally, something that works…sometimes. He may brush his teeth for a sticker and he may not, it really just depends on him and his 2 year old mood.

At our 2 year checkup I asked the pediatrician again, and again she said to brush only once a day, make it a ritual, and provide a reward…Gee, thanks.

I am ashamed to say that many days I just let it go, I am not up for the fight and I am the only one who will smell his stanky breath anyway. But then I worry about his oral health and the lessons I am teaching him about his future oral hygiene.

When we have something important to do, The Bug just has to brush his teeth. This usually consists of:

• him running away screaming “NoMOMMY!” when he sees the toothbrush
• me trying to reason/plead/bargain with him
• him screaming “NoMOMMY!”
• me laying him down on his changing table holding down his arms and brushing his teeth

He cries, I cry, I tell him that he just has to brush his teeth, I tell him that Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa….everyone he knows brushes their teeth. Shit, I’ve even brushed the dog’s teeth to show him that EVERYONE does it.

I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. On the one hand, I cannot allow my 2 year old to run around the world with foul smelling breath and a dirty mouth. On the other hand, the only way that I can get his teeth brushed feels tantamount to abuse, and is surely just reinforcing his dislike of having his teeth brushed.