Stop the Insomnia!

***Disclaimer - I am working on very little sleep here***

When I was in high school I noticed something strange about myself; I couldn’t sleep. For nights on end I would lie in a darkened room and try with all my might to just go to sleep; but it wouldn’t happen. I counted sheep, read books, drank warm milk (disgusting by the way), nothing seemed to help.

In college, my roommate thought it was hilarious that she would go out to party when I was going to bed and when she got home I would be laying awake in the dark of our room to greet her. She thought it was funny, I didn’t find it funny in the least. To this day I wonder why I didn’t just go out with her. After all, I wasn’t going to sleep anyway; I might as well have had a little fun. Stupid, stupid college me…

While living in New York and San Francisco in my 20’s, the insomnia took a break. I’m not sure if it was due to climate, being in love, the fact that these were some of the happiest (and saddest) times of my life, having the daily exercise of walking everywhere, or being relatively stress free, that put insomnia into remission, but it lasted into the early part of my relationship with Ralph.

However, after those make you want to slit your wrists happy early months of motherhood, when you aren’t sure if it is night or day, just that you have woken up to crying every two hours for as long as you can remember, the insomnia was back.

Ralph has never understood my inability to sleep. He is one of those irritating amazing people who are able to fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow and then sleep through most any noise only to be awakened by their enraged loving wife shaking them to let them know that their alarm is going off. Ralph proceeds to hit snooze every ten minutes for the next hour, needing to be alerted to said alarm by me each time. Is it any wonder that I fantasize about ripping the clock out of the wall and braining him with it?

The insomnia comes in waves that last a week or so. This latest round began last Thursday night. Ralph had a meeting at 11:00 p.m. and didn’t get to bed until around 1:30. For those of you wondering WTF anyone would have an 11pm meeting for that is on the up and up, I assure you that, while it adds to my suspicions that Ralph is a super secret agent, this meeting was on the up and up. I know this because: A) Ralph would never cheat B) I confirmed it with a coworker who was also at the meeting (I asked him what time he got home in front of his wife) C) without giving away to much of Ralph's true identity, it does make sense with what he does and D) after Ralph’s company picnic over the weekend I am sure that he is surrounded by more Dilberts than Jack Bauers.

Anyway, I have a hard time sleeping when Ralph is not snoring his ass off sleeping beside me, so I had just drifted off when he came to bed at 1:30 (waking me up of course). Then at 3:00 The Bug woke up. It only took me ½ hour to get him back to sleep. 6:00 and the damn dog needed to go outside. Ralph further infuriated me the next morning by saying he had no idea either incident had happened.

Between Thursday and last night my sleep had been so-so. But last night was miserable. Ralph and I had a couple of arguments yesterday. I am trying to make myself believe that these arguments were because of my fatigue, but that is for another post…I had decided to sleep on the couch because I was pissed off, but after 45 minutes I decided it was too hot. I went to bed and was hot there too (could we get some f*cking central air please!), so I went back to the couch.

Unfortunately, this happened to be one of the rare moments when Ralph wakes up in the night. He followed me downstairs, turned off the window A.C. that I had turned on and proceeded to come into the family room to ask me why I was sleeping on the couch

Me – “I was hot upstairs.”
Him – “well, you’re not going to sleep down here with the air on”
Me – “okay, it still feels cooler to me than upstairs”
He of the 5 blankets when it is 80 degrees outside – “it’s not hot in our room, so that’s not why you are down here, just admit it”
Me – watching The Simple Life and Little Miss Sunshine until 3:00 thinking A) what an ass he is B) how it isn’t always about him C) how he’s just an eensy bit right because initially I was going to sleep on the couch because I’m pissed at him D) why hasn’t that damn supposed to make you drowsy pill kicked in yet.

Oh well, who needs sleep when there are blogs to read.