If only it were just a dream

I am outnumbered in my house. My dog and I are the only females. Ralph, The Bug, and my cat are all male. Unfortunately, that is not the only trait that they share. They all pee where they aren’t supposed to.

I forgive The Bug his accidents; he is after all only 2 and just learning that the toilet is where his peepee goes. So, when I prematurely put him in choo-choo train big boy underpants and he pissed all over my couch, I only had myself to blame.

The cat, well, he is another story. For I don’t know how long, the cat has made a habit of periodically mistaking my living room couch for his litter box. This has been a huge point of contention between Ralph and me. Ralph thinks it is no big deal, while I think it is completely gross and the thought of The Bug finding one of The mad pisser (as he has become known)’s little yellow pools on the couch just makes me cringe. So, every time the mad pisser does one of his little deeds, I put him in the basement in order to separate him from my son and my furniture and Ralph brings him back upstairs and tells me how mean I am. That all changed, however, the night that the pisser pissed on Ralph while we were reading in bed, totally laid down on Ralph pissed and left. Then as we were turning off the lights, Ralph says, “What the fuck is all wet here?” The pisser has been in lockdown ever since.

Then there is Ralph. This morning I wake up obnoxiously early because I am the lightest sleeper in the world and Ralph is walking across the creaky wood floor to the bathroom. He walks back into our room and then, a few moments later I hear the floor creaking again and open my eyes to see Ralph’s naked ass walking towards the bathroom. He takes a shower and then comes back into our room. I ask if he is okay, since he normally doesn’t get up before 5. Ralph then explains to me that he had a dream that he was in a public restroom peeing and then woke up because he was peeing on himself in our bed. WTF!!! Then he asks if this has ever happened to me. Uh, no, I don't think so, not since I was 8!

Hi, I'd like a tall estrogen latte please.